Im seeing someone now. her name is Laura. she's great. I use to dread relationships....boyfriend and girlfriend, losing the freedom you have as a single person....relationship averse....and then I met Laura. you don't miss singlehood when you've met someone you truly cared about. there's so much more to do and see in places you've been before by yourself. It's like travelling alone, I've done that before. Being carefree, being whoever you wanted to be; but then as you travel you realize there is actually alot more you could do and see if you had a travelling buddy, be it a friend or someone special. I use to look forward to weekends, coz it simply meant that I did not have to work. but things got old, and weekends were often wasted just being by myself and not making full use of it to experience things around you....and then I met Laura. I can't wait to see her again even if I just said goodbye that same morning. I can't wait to hear her voice, even when I've just put down the phone...you become someone you don't expect yourself to be, you do things you would not normally do. you put yourself in a position that makes you uncomfortable just so the person you care about is happy...........................
palliative medicine has been quite confronting in all honesty. before I worked here, it seemed to me that the whole concept was the anti-thesis of medicine. In medicine, we help people get better, fight disease...make people better....but palliation was giving up, surrendering to the affliction. It was ok at first, then everyday someone dies......its not the dying that is difficult. They are comfortable and painfree... i hope. we try to achieve that. it is the experience of people coming into hospital, getting admitted.... knowing that they have come to die.......what exactly goes thorough a person's mind when they acknowledge the fact that they were GOING TO DIE. In a medical ward, you might still have the 'reassurance' that doctors will do all it takes to make you better. But in a palliative care ward, there would be no more treatment. There would be no more fight. What exactly goes through a person's mind when they wake up every morning, knowing that the next day is going to be an agonizing wait....and that if they wake up the next day they won't be feeling better, but will be feeling worse.
When a patient of mine's condition seemed to have plateaued and did not look like he was immintely at death's door, we had to find a place for him to go to. A nursing home. he said to me,' so the time has come eh? ' I had no idea how to respond, how do you even respond to something like that.knowing the time is coming, but you just have no idea when that was going to be.....
palliative care is sad. kudos to the wonderful nurses and doctors who choose to work in this field. working in a place where everyone is dying or waiting to die is tough, I have alot to learn.....
